Long ago in the distant past I, Cree - the shapeshifting master of Russians, unleashed myself upon the land of the English. Well, not THAT long ago to be fair, just roughly four years ago with a bit. And I’m not actually a shapeshift- Oh screw it, I can't be arsed to keep the Samurai Jack parody going!
Some of you old INP folks might remember the jolly ol' time when the good ol' creepster still lived in ass-backwoods country of Lithuania, passed his time by getting drunk with a bunch of friends, playing in a rock band and in the off time dabble in our little community. (Yes, it was damn little when I joined, it only grew like a rabid tumour in the few years following) At some point amongst my many acquaintances online I came across a pretty funny guy in one of my RP's. What was his name again... can't really remember, from the first moment I misread it completely and never read it properly even once. Syaoran-something. I just misread it as Sayoran and from then on addressed the dude as Sayo. Yes. That happened. Through this and that’s, and cunts and twats, it as you well know turned out that said funny dude was actually a funny dudette from the mystical land of England. (Que "God save the Queen" and the Union Jack right here) I won’t bore the old guard with the juicy details of cyber relationships, nor will I disturb the youngster members with the graphic parts, let’s just say that a meteor fell from the sky, hit me right in the noggin’ and made me fall for this underage vixen. (She was legal when we met IRL, put away your pitchforks you psychos!) That was the breaking point for me personally, since being the reasonable individual that I am, I abandoned all the pre-existing plans of moving to Germany, put two hundred and fifty quid into my pocket and set off to the land of muffins, biscuits, lager and bearded women.
Here’s where this tale really begins – with me grabbing an old school dropout friend of mine and dragging him by the balls to the country where he could have at least a smidgen of hope of earning more than twenty pounds a month. My friend, let’s call him “Bob” for the sake of decency, was a bona-fide hikikomori. Never leaving the house unless absolutely necessary and spouting the most glorious “wet pasta on a bowling ball” ponytail haircut that I have EVER seen in my life. Needless to say Bob, possessing all the social skills of a racoon that was hit in the nuts with a cricket bat, was not the one running around the unfamiliar country, finding a place to stay and the promising job prospects. Believe it or not but yours truly was the charming face that greeted all the landlords with a smile and corny jokes. Sadly in my arrogance I set course for Lincolnshire, gravely underestimating the poshness of local town residents. A week later we still had no jobs and no residence, staying at a brilliant little B’n’B, whose owner lady sincerely felt for our struggle and did what she could out to help us, going so far as to call people on our behalf knowing that with our thick accents phone conversations could be troubling. Credits where they’re due, it was one of Bob’s facebook friends that let us know of a room available right back south where we came from in the first place. We packed our stuff, bid farewell to the nice owner lady (I made sure to leave a card and some flowers, despite Bob’s protests) and made our way back to the cesspit of scum and villainy that would make Tatooine look like the Garden of Eden – Luton.
With roughly two hundred quid left between the two of us we had to squeeze into a single bedroom – pulling a piece of an old broken sofa from a nearby dump to serve as Bob’s bed. The offers to work came almost immediately; finding stuff to do is not hard at all as long as you’re dedicated and actually put in effort. So after moving in on Friday I had arranged an induction on Sunday and started working on Monday. My job – a welder and machine operator at Vauxhall manufacturing plant. Bob’s job -… Well, you see, the thing is, he didn’t take the job. In retrospect I should’ve caught wind of trouble way back then but, alas, I didn’t. Bob refused the work citing it as “too dirty” and returned back home. Two weeks later, I would quit the plant due to health and safety violations. (I was not provided with a mask when welding Aluminium – which releases toxic fumes. I drew the line when I started coughing up some kind of black slime) In those two weeks however I made enough money to cover our rent until the end of the summer, while Bob made massive progress in finding his way around my laptop, since he neglected to bring his own. Further two weeks later, on 7th of August I started working at the happiest place on Earth – fucking Amazon dot com. This time Bob joined me, and we seemed to be finally settled.
On first days of fall we got a call from our school friend, whom for the purposes of this story I shall call Rob. Rob came from a very rich family, spent his life with all the best toys, hardware and, well, ladies. Gotta admire a guy whose worst chore is taking out the garbage once a day – a task about which he bitched like a wounded gazelle non-stop I might add. Either way, Rob, who spent the last two years of school bragging about how he’s gonna enrol in Yale, decided to take a break from studying for a year and instead of going straight to uni – spend a year working. So naturally he contacted me and Bob. We, being the good friends that we are – took him in. I will graciously skip over the week before another room freed up that we spent with three people in a 4x5 single bedroom and move to straight to the part where we all got our own rooms and started working full time – finally enjoying a bit of freedom, money and nice things. To top things off I got a reply from Cambridge University – my application was accepted and next year I would start at the faculty of modern languages. The only thing messing up my mood was that Sayo mysteriously fell off the radar the moment I stepped off the plane. Of hell, she’s just busy with exams is all… in September. Ugh… Bah! I’m at the top of the world at the moment, my life is steady and she’ll come around eventually! What could POSSIBLY go wrong?
Then things went wrong. Turns out that somewhere behind my back the best buddies since childhood Rob and Bob agreed that they really don’t like working. It’s too hard. Bob has to walk around all day putting things on shelves, while Rob has to stand all day in one place putting things from one bin to another. So they decided to go back to Lithuania. It was the very end of November when they up and ran off with about a week’s notice. My luck fell through and I couldn’t find enough people to rent out the remaining 4 bedrooms of my big five bedroom house, steadily going into debt. But I was sure that I could make it out of it, even if I had to tap my savings - a month or two of rent is all I needed to find new tenants!
On December 7th our house was robbed, my and other tennats’ computers were stolen and one of them immediately moved out – going back to Poland. Failing to find a tenant over the course of the next week I accounted myself nearly two and a half thousand pounds in debt and decided to take the only way out I had left. I cut my losses and ran the fuck away, never looking back. Not back to Lithuania, no, just to another house on the other end of town. I rented a small room for myself, pulled out my old Pentium 2 laptop that I had stashed away in the basement since buying a new (now stolen) one. After rent and deposit I found myself exactly where I started from: My old laptop that couldn’t handle youtube, a tiny 4x5 room and £200 to my name. My friends ran off, I lost my house, I lost my computer, my savings and Sayo was still nowhere to be heard from. Sigh… well, at least things couldn’t possibly get worse.
Then things got worse. On the second week of January I was approached by an agency rep, and told that due to lack of business my entire department was being shut down. All the Agency workers were indiscriminately released. I lost my job. Well… fuck. Ah I had enough of this shi- Oh! Look! Sayo finally showed up! WOOO!!! …Huh? Mhmm… Okay.. Chris?... Riight… Nah nah, I’m fine. Okay, Cya. Click.
Homeless for a month, a bunch of Indian students took me in, letting me stay in the basement without taking rent. After spending two weeks in the black haze of attempting to drink myself to death, I finally snapped out of it and decided to start rebuilding. After calling to Cambridge and letting them now that I sadly must refuse my application due to heavy financial difficulties I shaved my beard, cut my hair and set out once again. The only difference was this time I wasn’t driven by hope and glee, I bore no dreams of waltzing into a nice job, buying a house and building an idyllic family with the girl of my dreams. Oh no, sir, I had to get down and dirty, I would need to wade through an ocean of shit to once again grab a foothold on my life that I so unfortunately lost. But I’d do it, no matter how hard it got. I had the best fuel in the world pushing me forward – Anger. I would get out, I would get up, I would stand tall and I would grind all of them to dust. All who wronged me, all who ditched me, and all who stood by me I will reward with friendship harder than steel, and love hotter than fire. This fucking country ain’t gonna break me, look out world, here I fucking come!
It took 3 months to work off and repay all by debts, move to a new house, but a new computer, a new bed, a new suit. Over the course of the next two years I built a stable career, restored myself to a state of mind that I was moderately happy with and grew pleasantly fat on expensive restaurant food and a two-day work schedule that paid me more than I used to get for a 50 hour week. Then eventually lost weight, got the girl and slowly, inch by inch dared to dream again. …Then I got smacked by life once more, shook my head and reminded myself never to do that again. Thank god I got off lightly this time, only a few thousand lost hairs, a bit of grey in my beard and a newfound cynicism. All the while Rob & Bob spent their lives in Lithuania. Over the course of the years Bob remained unemployed, mooching off his mum and never leaving the house. While Rob barely managed to enrol in a third rate engineering college, which he then quit after three months because it was too difficult. Rob eventually decided to try UK once more – moving to London with the help of some family friends and his sister. He took out a student loan and half-heartedly studies something. I can’t tell you for sure since from the day Rob and Bob ran off three years ago they cut off all contact with me except for a yearly “Sup?”.
That is until Tonight. I started writing this little story down immediately after getting off the phone with my mum. Turns out a few weeks back Bob also went back to UK in hopes of making some money. He moved in with his best buddy Rob and the two seemed to be a match made in heaven. Except that after two and a half weeks on no work he ran out of money and the two are now in a massive spat. Bob called his mother asking her to get in contact with my mum and pass on a plea. His mother called mine, in tears and begged her to ask me to help her son out, now that he’s returned to the land of the Muffin, Jaguar and Clarkson. She didn’t need to call me to know the answer.
“Sorry buddy, that would be too hard.”
Next week I’m moving into my new house, in a nice clean city up north. My new job pays better than the old one and with five days off a week I finally have the time and money to resume my studies. You think they still remember me at Cambridge? If not – who gives a fuck, I will make them remember. As for Rob&Bob – this little story is the last bit of my mind that I’m gonna spend on them. Remember folks only a fool takes the easy road, abandoning his friends and giving up. Treasure your friends, love your partners and always keep pushing, because no matter how bad things get, everything that happens – happens for the better.
"Bring it, bitches!"
xMagiciansBlade wrote:Welcome, just be careful around Creeper...he has a tendency to mind fuck people, according to him "it's the greatest pleasure hole in existence"
Read my blog for short stories and general awesomeness!
>>>>>A Handful Of Sarcasm <<<<<
man, i felt really sad for the first part and really happy happy towards the end ^^. i am sure we told you this before but you are a great writer too ^^, and i hope things keep on getting better for you ^^.
I like how the description of the UK changed XD So what is that clean city in the north? Improved since we've met if I remember correctly. Good thing, though
Hell yeah man, I'm glad you're doing alright Creep, looks like you've been through life.
Hell yeah man, I'm glad you're doing alright Creep, looks like you've been through life.
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